Fuck.
Got home on Wednesday, had a nice schmooz with mom when I went to pick up Pete and then had catch-up dinner with Henry and Suzie. And then it started all over again.. work out in the morning, work all day, go to kung fu and feel less than adequate, come home, dread doing it over again. I am, however, enjoying sitting on my couch and coexisting in normalcy with Alex.
Read The Kite Runner on the way to Florida and The Bedroom Secrets of Master Chefs on the way back. The latter was a gift my sister gave me quite some time ago and I've just not gotten the time to read it. A little Irvine Welsh can spruce up anyone's day :)
--- Angst warning ---
I had an epiphany or a melt down or a combination thereof today in class. I mean I didn't do anything about it but I just sort of sallowed in it while crankily participating. Kung Fu class for me has now become just dreadful. All it is is pressure. Everything you do is scrutinized. And since I'm never as good as I should be for the length of time I've been practicing, I feel that very rarely am I judged in a positive way. I feel like I can accurately assert when I do things well or don't and the things I don't do well just completely outweigh the things I do. It's awful. It makes me hate going. Hate. And Im just so tired all the time and work so hard, at kung fu and otherwise, and it is simply devastating to not be better. Or not be at least as good as my peers. I am so jealous of my several classmates who have nothing to do but kung fu - don't work, don't go to school - and are subsequently fairly good at it now. I should be at their level but I'm not. I am just not built for this and it's hard to overcome that. I've been on a plateau for like 3 years now. I am at a point where I don't know how to get better, have no mental energy left to try, but don't want to quit because, in the big picture, I still love doing it. I guess the word here would be exasperation.
The tournament did go well and I guess my forms are better, but in reality my overall kung fu is pretty poor. There is a belt test coming up that I am sure will pass me by since I won't be ready. Won't ever be ready. We tested for our brown belts two years ago and I'm still not ready. And that test was mediocre at best. I don't know what to do.
However, as they say runners hit a wall when marathoning, it is no secret that brown belt is a stereotypically consistent time for kung fu-ers to lose motivation, to plateau, and inevitably drop off. I won't let myself be that person but this shit makes me more angsty than anything and I hate it. No solution is apparent.
I also don't want to be that person who pushes throught 'til their black belt test, squeaks by, and then quits. That would be lame.
Ugh. Gay.
---
Things I foresaw and am excited about: no more school, two day weekends for the first time in 18 weeks.
Things I foresaw and dread: the monotony of no school, just toiling at work 5 days a week, week in, week out. Things that will break this monotony in the week include work outs in the morning three times a week, kung fu 1 classes versus kung fu 2 classes versus sparring, and the possibility of my not having to be at kung fu all the time everyday since Henry and Alex are off for the summer. Except Alex has has summer 1 classes. Oh well.
Long run things to look forward to include making new demos, tournament in July, learning to groom at work, and vacation with the fam in August.
This post was a lot longer than I intended it to be, but so is my dismal outlook on immediate life. Here's to upwards progress in the future and the patience to wait for it.
No comments:
Post a Comment